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The Collapse of the "Perfect" Marriage
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A close friend of ours stunned my husband and me over the summer when she announced her plans to leave her spouse of several years.
 
Divorce is so woven into the fabric of our society that few people register surprise when they hear the news of someone they know ending a marriage.  Despite the fact that I know divorce is a harsh reality, I was still blown away by my friend’s news.
 
This was the same couple we had seen cuddling in public like young lovers and heard describe their romantic vacations to exotic places, as we sat listening enviously. Add to this the fact that their religious faith always appeared to seal their devotion to each other even further.  If there were ever any two people who embodied the example of a "perfect," blissful union, it was them.
 
Sadly, as the old adage goes, not all that glitters is gold.  The "ultimate" marriage everybody had always admired, it turns out, was nowhere close to what any of us thought it was.
 
The wife disclosed to us that, throughout the years of their relationship, there had been many issues of abuse.  While no physical abuse was involved, verbal and emotional abuse was.  The man who had always come across as gentle and soft-spoken in public was, in private, a very different fellow, given to rages, jealous of her ties with other family members and friends, sometimes cruelly ridiculing the woman he claimed to love, even when her health was at its worst.
 
Though this ought to have been reason enough to head for the exit, she endured this mistreatment for several years, praying for him to change and taking the rare moments his anger seemed to be abated as a sign that things would get better. 
 
She never revealed her suffering to any of us, fearing that we would be disappointed by the truth of her situation.  She went on playing the role we had all grown to feel comfortable with.  Then, one day, after close to 30 years of marriage, she just decided that it was time to walk away.
 
No hysterics, no drama, just a quiet realization that this was not the kind of life she deserved.  She filed for divorce, to her spouse’s amazement, and informed their intimate circle of relatives, friends and acquaintances of her decision. 
 
It has not been a simple process for her.  She has gotten support from a lot of folks.  Still, there are some people who question her faith and tell her that she should have "stayed the course" and nobly tolerated her husband’s lies and abuses. 
 
He has definitely not made it easy for her.  He purposely shows up at the same social functions.  He still ’phones some of her friends, in the hopes that they can persuade her to reconcile with him. 
 
What I have noticed, though, to be quite truthful, is that, since the breakup, I have never heard my friend sound so relaxed, so genuinely happy.  Although she is well into her 50’s, she feels as though she is experiencing  a freedom she never believed was possible for her.
 
Life, she has discovered, goes on, even when the "perfect" marriage ends.
 
 
 
 
 
By: Ezriela Devereux
Published: 11/18/08


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3 Posted Comments:

@ 6:43 am 11/19/08 by Topper
"Perfect" is a word that is totally over used. There are no perfect kids, perfect marriages, perfect home, etc. This life is not a dress rehersal..it's the only time we have. If someone is unhappy in marriage and has worked to remedy the problems that caused the unhappiness without success, then it is time to make a decision.

I had a marriage that to the outside world was a good marriage. The night before he left he cooked a good steak on the grill, we shot some hoops and then he went inside and packed his clothes in garbage bags to leave. I held the door open for him. It was over and it was time for him to leave. The neighbors who had seen him cooking and shooting hoops could not believe he left. Our family and friends had similar reactions. There was no abuse in the marriage, but we had grown in different directions and it was best for both of us to end it. We both have happy marriages now and know it was the right decision!
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@ 8:07 pm 11/19/08 by C.D. Crowder
I see so many couples that look happy when in public but are miserable when they're alone together. They brag they have a perfect marriage and endure the problems simply to avoid appearing less than perfect to friends and family. IMO, if you're not happy, then there's no point staying in the marriage. However, all marriages will have ups and downs. If you're being abused or are constantly fighting or find yourself always unhappy, then it's time to move on. It'll be better for both parties in the end.

Good article.
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@ 10:13 am 11/20/08 by Muse
Yes, there are so many marriages that appear great on the face of it, but in reality are a string of compromises by a single spouse, to keep them going. I admire your friend for taking stock of the situation and choosing wisely to do what she did.
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